Thursday, October 11, 2012

Exercise Gofer

What do you all think about me becoming an exercise gofer? That means that whenever there is some new fitness trend--idiotic or not--you all put in a request and I go try it. It'll be like when Matt Lauer and Al Roker would demonstrate synchronized swimming during their Olympic coverage. (Only with slightly less body hair.)

I came up with this astounding idea because this morning I went to try out the Pure Barre craze. I had bought a class a few months ago but failed to actually take it. And, since I didn't feel like doing my usual workout bizness this morning, I figured today was the day.

Pure Barre is described on their website as follows:

"Pure Barre is a total body workout that lifts your seat, tones your thighs and burns fat in record-breaking time. Utilizing the ballet barre to perform small isometric movements set to fantastic music, Pure Barre is the fastest, most effective, yet safest way to change your body. Students see results in just 10 classes."

I did not feel comfortable taking a picture while inside the studio, but here is a priceless picture of the exterior:

I expected the lobby to be filled with ex-dancers who were trying to work off their skinny margaritas, but instead I found a pretty diverse group of women. (I mean diverse fitness-wise. There is no racial diversity in Boulder, if that's what you thought I meant.) There were some older women, some younger women, some pretty fit women, and some average fit women.

They were also really nice, and two of them were actually so nice as to tell me prior to starting that the first class is like "hell" and they don't envy me. F-ers. Thanks a lot.

The instructor was nice, welcoming, and was very much ready to help me throughout the class. I mean, she even came over and embarrassed me, err, showed me how to do some strange motion that essentially consisted of me squeezing my ass cheeks.

In general, the class was good. There was a fair amount of abdominal exercise, including both typical moves (plank, bicycle, etc.), as well as some smaller movements that were kinda like rotating your pelvis, turning in your belly button, etc. These movements I found to be difficult, because they were subtle and, if done improperly, likely ineffective. Also, these movements looked like we were grinding the air, but no one else in the class seemed embarrassed so I held my laughter until the end.

There was a long stretch of arm work, leg work, and ass work, each of which was performed either on the floor or on the barre with bands or a ball. My muscles were shaking at a few points, though it was no where near as painful as those ladies said it would be. By far the worst part was having the instructor come over, sit next to me, and explain why I was flexing my ass incorrectly. I felt sure that everyone in the class was probably assuming that I can't dance and I don't have the rhythm to have sex properly either. (This is not a logical thought, but in the interest of honesty, there you go.)

So, I might go back, but I doubt it I guess we will have to wait and see if anything is sore and/or incredibly toned and long and lean and fabulous tomorrow. Ha. Keep you posted.

After the class I took advantage of my proximity to all the stores on the 29th Street Mall and stopped in Anthropologie to see if they had any winter sweaters that I might like. Yah, not so much. Please tell me who would look good in this, because I know it is in style but I just can't wrap my head around wearing it:

Actually, that gives me the idea that perhaps you are supposed to actually wrap that around your head--like a sweater and hat in one?

*Do you wear capes? Doesn't this sweater look like the perfect sweater under which someone might hide their handgun?


  1. I just went to the anthropologie website to see someone wearing that thing. OMG. This easily wins the "ugliest sweater of the year" award.

    I kind of like the idea that you try out weird sports so I don't have to. I want to know some more things about pure barre (I like going to actual ballet classes, and I have wondered whether this is similar.) So:
    What's the music?
    How many of the moves seemed to resemble actual ballet exercises? (Or at least seemed like what they show on tv when they want to show ballet-y stuff?)

    1. The music was really loud and the usual popular hip-hop energizing stuff. I've never done ballet, but I'm confident that the moves we did did not really resemble ballet. It was more like a strength training class that utilized the barre as a way to do lunges, work the outer thighs, etc. I'd say stay away if you're looking for something that is really ballet-inspired.