Thursday, February 13, 2014

Surprise!!! (Joanna)

Surprise!!! (Joanna)

And, really, surprise to everyone, since it's been such a boatload of days since I last blogged. (How many Hail Mary's for this, I wonder…)

It's a (virtual) baby shower!!

Maybe you're knocked up too, and that's great, but really this shower is for my friend Joanna of Midwestern Bite. She does a food satire blog, so today--in honor of her new baby's impending arrival--I thought I'd share some satirical thoughts about baby showers. Here's a top five of the snarkiest things I've considered RE: baby showers, and also motherhood in general.

1) There is such a thing as camaraderie between mothers. However, don't be fooled into thinking that motherhood is a "no judging zone," e.g. this scene I observed recently:

Mom 1 (said to me): "You should totally bring Emily to the gym childcare! It's just because she's your first that you're so worried. With my second I brought him at six weeks! Hey--Jenn, didn't you bring your second like, two seconds after she was born? It's so different with the second baby, right?"

Mom 2: "Umm." (Awkward pause) "We actually did attachment parenting, so no. I didn't leave her." 

And the subtext of that last remark is… "EVER." "I didn't leave her EVER." 

So, lest you think that we're all in this together, you're wrong. No matter how many raspberry-infused ice cubes us ladies drink together at the typical (read: idiotic) baby shower, we still reserve the right to judge you if your newborn seems to never get out of his/her pajamas onsies. 
<Cough. Emily has only worn like two real, non-pajama outfits since she was born>

2) Why TF?!!! do you get so many newborn onesies at real baby showers anyway, especially if your baby is born in the late-fall/winter? Who has the energy to change their newborn into a new outfit every freaking day when they're just going to sleep, eat, and poop the day away? Does even a trip to Target deserve a "real," non-pajama outfit? And in what climate do babies wear onsies in the winter anyhow? If they wear a onesie then you have to put other layers on them to keep warm, which--as far as I can tell--is just more shit you have to finagle when you're changing their diaper!!!


4) Why does the food at baby showers have to be cute? Google images for "baby shower food" and what you'll find is a conspicuous number of pictures of those edible fruit sculptures. If you google articles you'll find lots of menus that include things like salmon salad with sparkling something or other cocktails. It's like a flashback to the 1890s with all the propriety up in here--you might need to bring "your card" to leave with your baby shower hostess even. One thing is for certain: you will not be indulging in a couple of pieces of pizza, or binging on decent beer, when you agree to attend a traditional baby shower. And what a shame, really, since you probably won't be eating much pizza or drinking much beer after the baby is born and people immediately start evaluating the size of your hips and ass in order to determine if you can beat Kim Kardashian back into her skinny jeans.

5) Lastly, why.can'!! More to the point, why do men get to not come? I see why--with all the spritzers and "fun" games, and lack of real food--they wouldn't want to come. But why should they get out of it? Really the men should have to endure the baby shower--you know, to get all the presents, since that's what baby showers are really for--since it's the women that have to endure the freaking pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Here's a fun link from Baby Center on co-ed baby showers: My favorite takeaways are: 

"…realize that most men don't find the jellybeans in a baby bottle all that adorable." 
(Right, because most women think jellybeans are totes cute!)

"We had (the shower) outdoors, complete with punch, tropical invitations (so the men wouldn't be scared away), and reggae/Jimmy Buffett music." 
(All the men I know are truly drawn to tropical-inspired themes too.)

"One of the cutest games I ever played at a couples shower was 'Make a Baby.'" 
(I'll leave you to research _that_ game, my friends.)

In conclusion, the usual baby showers do not appeal to me. Also, I may have become more snarky since becoming a sleep-deprived mother.

But the beauty of my post--and the reason why it's dedicated to Joanna--is that Joanna doesn't do the usual boring thing! Even with a baby girl on the way she hasn't posted _any_ pictures of hot pink bows that will someday adorn her poor baby's head.

Thanks for that, Joanna, and congratulations on your new addition!!