Monday, April 14, 2014

Bout Time





Well happy freaking Monday, right?!

I've listed all the descriptions above because they really describe my blogging since having Miss E in October. Really, I've thought about blogging a fair bit in the last few months, figuring that since E is a bit older it's probably about time I got back to my bailiwick, so to speak. Shame on you if you don't know what bailiwick means. Ha.

But really, what happens every time I go to blog is that I'm tempted to do something else--usually something more relaxing and mindless--in the very few hours that I'm free from baby or house duties.

I am going to try to remedy that, however. (Obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this.)

A few updates:

1) Emily is now six months old. I wish I could say it's gone by in a flash, and in a sense it has, but mostly it hasn't. That's clear, isn't it? I mean, let me be honest and risk internet troll hatred by saying that the first six months are _exhausting_. The first six weeks _unbearably tiring_. I really like my baby. But there is something so draining about trying to be continually engaged and present with your child and just generally trying to do all the rights things to raise a happy kid. Add a dog with shedding that won't quit and toilets that just keep getting dirty and you've got one exhausted momma. (And poppa.)

2) Having a baby has changed my body. Big shocker, I know. I can write more about this if you all are interested--just let me know. It's a difficult thing for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and again, I wish I could say the trite line about how "Every time I look at my stretch marks I just think about how amazing it is that my body grew my baby," but WTFFFFFFFFFuck!!? Who really thinks that? Only new moms on Prozac, as far as I can tell. Yes, I love my baby, and yes, I'm still kinda confused and surprised that she used to reside in my belly, but am I able to sentimentalize stretch marks? F-no!

3) I may be going back to work three days a week, a fact that has incited some considerable guilt on my part, especially regarding "Does working three days a week make me a bad mom?" "Will Emily resent me?" "Am I abandoning her?" "Will I still be her favorite if I'm not there on three days?" Like I suggested above, things have changed a lot. Before having Emily I would never have gone any amount of time without working. Now, however, I'm surrounded by Boulder stay-at-home Moms and I'm struggling to convince myself that going back to work is a good thing for me and for E too.

And that's all for now. Will work on getting my @#$ here and blogging regularly.

*What are you working on right now? As in, what personal thing or issue are you struggling with?