Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Changing Times

Yesterday I broke my routine. I've been a real gym rat for the last nine months or so, but yesterday I went and ran my old trail up at Chautauqua.

Um, hello, beautiful!

I lived a block away from Chautauqua for the two years before I moved in with David, and rarely a week went by when I wasn't running at Chautauqua at least three days a week. I ran when it was cold, often slipping on the ice; I ran early in the morning when I knew it would get hot out midday; I even ran right after I broke my collarbone in a cycling accident.

This is a little pond that I usually stop at to stretch.

But it's been a long time since I ran at Chautauqua, just as it's been a long time since I consistently got out on my road bike. Sure I ride here and there, and I still workout regularly with my gym classes, but it's nothing compared to the daily three or four hour rides that I used to do by myself.

Yes, I was unwell during this time. I never felt like I had run enough, and I never felt like the ride I had done was long or hard enough. And unfortunately, I wasn't eating enough either. Every calorie that I ingested was very carefully calculated, so much so that I wouldn't even touch those Emergency Vitamin C fizzy water packets. Five calories was just too much to "spend" on an afternoon drink, I guess.

I've been thinking about all this stuff a lot lately, mostly because I know that if David and I try for a baby soon then it will be some time before I'm out on my bike or running everyday. And that makes me really sad. It also makes me miss who I was then, even if I wasn't happy. (I'm a very logical person, clearly.)

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this, except to state more clearly that what I'm feeling is nostalgia for who I was, and--if I'm being honest--the body and fitness level that I had. I'm trying to deal with these feelings now before they are compounded by pregnancy weight gain, but it has me wondering if all women feel this way pre-baby. Do other moms-to-be just suck it up, or all we all just barely dealing with feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness that sometimes seem intolerable?

On another, less depressing note, the sunset and sunrise were beautiful yesterday. Here's my treat to you for listening to my angst-y girl post:

*Do you feel a strong sense of nostalgia or sadness when you think about a particular phase of your life? If yes, what stage was it?


  1. I feel nostalgic about the first year that I really took on the whole "healthy living" thing and started eating and exercising better. This was also the first year I started blogging so I can actually look back and see that even then, I had bad days or tired days. Enough time has passed that my memory of it only includes the good parts, but in reality it was no better than right now.

    1. Based on blog Lauren, i.e. the Lauren I see on your blog, your "right now" seems pretty fantastic!!! (Especially your muffin breakfasts at Whole Foods:-))