Friday, June 1, 2012

ED Reflections, no. 4/Jamestown

This morning I took a bunch of pictures during my bike ride in anticipation of posting about it.

But all I really want to write about is how I'm feeling very, very fragile lately. Recovering from an eating disorder is hard, and no matter how "far" I've come I still find myself confronting very real barriers to full recovery. In the current case, I'm talking about a bad habit of overeating recently, coupled with a horrific case of disappointment that I've "let myself" gain weight. Restoring my body to a higher weight was a major objective of recovery, but let's face it: gaining weight is difficult. It was very difficult at the beginning stages of recovery, but now that I've been at a healthy weight for awhile, gaining a few pounds from careless eating feels surprisingly awful and uncomfortable. That is, even though my weight is higher than it used to be--and objectively I realize that this is a good thing--what remains is the eating disordered thinking that my weight is an all-or-nothing, black-and-white, and very slippery slope. Gain one pound, the eating disorder sayz, and you instantly become fat. So much so that everyone will notice and secretly be disappointed in your lack of control over your appetite.

Obviously this is distorted thinking. But distorted thoughts can deeply affect your mood, and in my case they are making me feel slightly depressed and ashamed. Yes, ashamed--of myself for being moody, for being susceptible to the charms of a late-night bowl of cereal (okay, two bowls), for not being able to "get it together," etc., etc. Really, for being a freaking human who isn't always on the defensive against an "enemy," i.e. food, weight gain, and my body. Yah, I guess I've really let my defenses slip, and yah, I weigh more now than I did three years ago. And yah, some peeps might see me and think that I look like one of those hot dogs that plumps when you cook 'em. 

(Deep breath)

But, it's okay. Where I am right now is okay--because right now isn't forever and not every point on the path to recovery can be easy or straightforward or better than the previous point. I'm recover(ed)(ing), but I still struggle. And that's okay.

On a less boo-hoo-ing note, I rode my bike with my pops (DAD) today. We rode up to Jamestown, which is a mini-town in the foothills of Boulder.

As you can see, Jamestown is pretty idyllic, complete with random dogs running around and everything:

Anyone else think "Dip" signs are funny?
*Anyone else want to publicly admit something with which they struggle? And come on--this is only partially public since I have approximately four readers.

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