Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Weather F-ers

Do the weather peeps in your "neck of the woods" suck a$$? It was supposed to be cloudy and rainy all day today, but here it is, noon-thirty, and it's sunny. Still a bit cloudy but sunny nonetheless. It was kind of rainy this morning:

However, I was really looking forward to a whole day of rainy gloominess. Rain and clouds aren't usually my thing; actually, the cloudy weather during the Iowa winter is largely why I moved back to Colorado to finish my undergraduate degree. But it's been so hot this summer that even I'm craving some dark and rainy days.

Ahem. I definitely digress. The real subject of my post today is my recent exposure to two mainstream magazines that feature lots o' pics of the ladies.

The first magazine to which I'm referring is Glamour. A copy of it was left behind in my gym locker room, so I took a gander and realized a few things:

1) I don't give a shit about fashion. I mean, who can read an entire magazine that is only showing pictures of clothing, accessories, and cosmetics? Oh yeah, with the odd quiz about determining the security of your relationship thrown in.

2) People who read Glamour must like to shop.

With those two Earth-shattering points, I'll move to my next magazine exposure, which was a Victoria's Secret catalogue that was sent to me at my home.

I have no idea why or how I got this, as I certainly have never given VS my address. Actually, I've never ordered anything from VS, and the last time I bought anything from the actual store was about ten years ago. Victoria's Secret is scary, and I always felt embarrassed at the prospect of walking around the mall with a bright pink bag that screamed, "HEY!! I wear special sexy clothing on my vag and boobs!" (Rereading that makes me wonder what I would've been like if I hadn't been raised with two brothers and no sisters.)

Anyway, looking through the catalogue made me wonder about a few things:

1) Does anyone really buy clothing from Victoria's Secret? I mean, excepting "clothing" that is meant to be quickly removed and/or sweat pants or pajama bottoms that say "PINK!" on the ass panel?

2) Is flashing your cleavage an every day occurrence for women other than me?

I'm definitely prudish and a body-shy, but come on!!! Is this really normal workday wear? I'm not a lesbian, but I would be unable to focus if I was working with this woman and I could see a perfect outline of her bits! (Yes, bits.)

3) Shouldn't Victoria's Secret be, like, pros at airbrushing?

Um, what happened to this girl's chest? There's some kind of strange shadow above her right breast that doesn't quite pair with her left breast or the shadow that is supposedly meant to be her sternum. (BTW, the sternum is where it's at now. If you are thin enough you can actually accessorize it and get piercings for it just like you would your nose.) Am I the only one who sees this? Am I the only one who thinks it's strange that the entire VS collection of clothing is meant to prove to everyone that the wearer definitely has boobs?

OK, sorry. I'm going to stop here and refrain from a cliché rant about how little girls hate themselves because of pictures like this.

That's not really my point, anyhow. What the VS catalogue really made me realize isn't that peeps like seeing pictures of "perfect" (read: thin and yes somehow still well endowed?!!) women. It's that I am completely removed from the reality depicted in this catalogue. Does that make sense? These models might as well be aliens to me. Relatedly, where the f--k are the women for whom this catalogue is made? Am I a mutant?!! Do you all buy your clothing and lingerie from Victoria's Secret?


  1. I sometimes buy underwear there, because it's comfortable, and the bras I've had from them lasted a pretty long time without losing their shape or falling apart.
    I've never bought "clothes" there, though. It seems like their entire collection screams 'cheap' to me. Not just because there's too much cleavage, also because their stuff just doesn't look like it's very good quality.
    What I find even scarier, though, is their cosmetics collection. Just looking at it makes me wanna get a nice big rash.
    Also annoying: I wanted to check out their yoga pants, but the two different stores I went to only had the most awful colors on sale. They didn't seem to think anyone might want solid black ones. Sigh.

  2. I for one think you would look really cute in neon orange yoga pants, Julia:-)
    And I totally agree about the clothes seeming "cheap."
    P.S. I'm sorry I failed to respond about lunch--is there another time soon when we could meet up?

  3. I was all ready to go on an epic rant about how ridiculous it is when weather people say "50% chance of rain". That's the laziest forecast ever. What, should I go out and flip a f*&^ing coin? And how many times out of 100 does it rain when the forecast is "50% chance". 95 times out of 100? Obviously they skipped the review of third grade to focus more on how to stand in front of a green screen with a clicky thing and read a teleprompter.

    Anyway, I was all ready to really rant about that.

    Then there were boobs.

    And I had to re-read the first part again to remember why I was so angry.

    BTW, I'd totally hire you as a shopping bag ad designer.

    1. Was it "vag" that convinced you about my advertising skillz? Made you nauseas?
      RE: the weather peeps, I have a pretty good guess about how much skill they have, based on the fact that my middle school science teacher told me, during a day on meteorology, that I would make a great meteorologist because I could color in the atmospheric pressure circles really nicely.

  4. should be:

    "Obviously they skipped the review of third grade math..."

    That's what angry typing gets me.

    1. Guess it's not so obvious after all, huh smartypants?

  5. I'll be in Boulder for 10 days starting Tuesday. Send me a message if you want to hang out.