Sunday, May 6, 2012

ED Reflections

One of the major posts that I've been envisioning is about my history with eating disorders. This is not that post, per se. But as I sat down to write a post I realized that I hadn't posted pictures of my eats for the last few days. This prompted me to think again about what kind of blog I want this to be--i.e. do I really want to catalogue everything I eat and/or generally make this a blog about a person recovering from disordered eating? Yes, but no. That is, when I decided to start a blog, I felt like part of what I could offer is my experiences working through recovery. And I mean _working_, because changing old, destructive habits and continuing to choose recovery even after zazzilians of setbacks is HARD.

On the other hand, I do not want my relationship with food and exercise to act as the foundation of my life or this blog. I am also very mindful of the fact that posting pictures of what I eat or how far I ride my bike may not be healthy for me or for readers who might be struggling with the same issues.

The only conclusion that I've come to about this issue is that--just like everything else I've learned in recovery--it's never as simple as yes/no, black/white, or disordered/healthy. Things are much more murky and just as it wouldn't make sense for me to totally ignore the issue of food and exercise, it is also not productive for me to focus on them to excess. I can't say what "excess" is right now, except that I'm hoping it's like pornography and I'll know it when I see (write) it. For now, while I'm still getting the hang of blogging, I'm going to continue to show pics of my eats and my activities intermittently. What that really means is that when I do a badass ride/run or eat something worth showing (PEANUT BUTTERRRRRRR!), I'll let you know. I'll also finish writing and post about my past with eating disorders. For now, just imagine a freckly adolescent eating too much candy while simultaneously wondering why she was kinda chubby. (Even at that age my reasoning skillz were pretty fantastic.)

*In the meantime, how do you feel about bloggers who share all their eats and exercise? Does it draw you to a blog or turn you off? Do you think it is healthy or unhealthy?

Pictured: Veggie quesadilla and pesto pizza salad that the bf and I ate on our way up Cucharas Pass. All I'm going to say about these items is that later, when my belly hurt from eating them, I felt rather perturbed with David, who had forgotten our peanut butter sandwiches at home and thus compelled us to eat at a restaurant where canola oil is an appropriate salad dressing. 


  1. 😉 Guess who got emoticons?!?!

  2. Guess who can't figure out how to use them properly??!!

  3. Guess who got really excited to see that there were two comments, only to recall that I made them?
    Also, I'm not so challenged after all: 😉

  4. That was supposed to be a smiley face......fuuuuuuuuuck!

  5. I find it interesting what other people eat. However, it also seems very hard to have a condition where one has to monitor what one eats very carefully, which might be true for people with a history of eating disorders. I feel very lucky to have what I would consider a fairly "normal" relationship with food: I can enjoy it without feeling guilty, I eat when I am hungry, and I mostly like stuff that is pretty healthy.
    Do you find that if you don't keep track of what you eat, you fall into bad habits?

  6. It is interesting to see what other people eat, isn't it? I think that breakfast in particular can be quite telling about a person's lifestyle.
    I'm pretty far into recover now, so I don't keep track of my food intake, though when I was still struggling a lot I actually found that monitoring food just made me eat less, and less, and less.
    To what do you attribute your healthy relationship with food?

  7. I'm not sure what the basis of my relationship with food is. I started cooking my own food pretty early on, when I was 14 or so. We had a babysitter who was supposed to make lunch for me and my sisters when we got home from school, but I didn't like her cooking (it was actually quite bad), so I decided to make my own.
    Also, I just learned from a fashion magazine the other day that there is a name for the way I eat. It's called the snob diet or something. I read it and it was totally me. If something isn't good quality food, or weirdly processed, I'll refuse to eat it. In some ways, that's just common sense to me, but apparently some magazine decided it was a "diet".
    And I guess it is a diet in some sense. When I was an undergraduate, I went to the crappy dining hall every weekday for an entire summer, and I gained weight. When I thought about why, I realized that I was having cake or candy every day, because I wasn't satisfied with my lunch. It also wasn't saving me any money, so I started pooling the lunch/candy money and had lunch somewhere better. Problem solved.